12 Excuses for the Holiday Fat Feels

This is me as a child enjoying Christmas cookies. Look at the joy on that face.

Pizza, wine, pie, leftover ham, cheesy potatoes, Malort, stuffing and dips have all been added to the holiday mix as I’ve aged, and the judgement now extends well beyond my brother when it comes to my photos with the fat filter. (There have been some dark holiday photo times my friends re-gift to my inbox every year.)

And it’s not just me. This was Bill O’Reilly trying to control his fat narrative before the holiday bulge.

Have to respect the effort. We’ve all been there. I’m more cherubic than any of Hark the Herald’s angels right now. For anyone else feeling fat and not posting “Merry Liftmas and Happy New Rear” messages on Instagram, here are 12 more fat excuses to make you feel better until your New Year’s resolution starts.

  1. With my family’s genes, I’m never going to be super cut anyway.
  2. I left this shirt, and this shirt, and these pants in the dryer too long again. When you do it a couple times in a row, the shrinking is exponential.
  3. This shirt is too baggy. The bagginess actually makes me look fatter, but it’s just air.
  4. The jiggling isn’t my fault, the Department of Transportation needs to get off their ass and fix these shit, bumpy roads (that was for you, Bill).
  5. I don’t have new man boobs, auto-manufacturers have made seat belts tighter to conform with new industry regulations.
  6. Many U.S. clothing products are made overseas and there are often basic labeling mistakes. (A friend of mine’s girlfriend said this often happens at Victoria Secret, especially with the “small” size.)
  7. I just drank a lot of water way too fast. I’ll be fine in the morning.
  8. The elastic on these are weird.
  9. The lighting and mirror is funky in here. A full-length mirror would also do this outfit more justice.
  10. Those creases are just from bad posture. If I would ever sit up straight, it would be fine.
  11. You’re actually stronger if you’re “barrel-chested or barrel-bellied”. Ever seen the World’s Strongest Man or played adult softball?
  12. It’s all about confidence and personality, anyway.



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