Strong extraterrestrial signals detected by a Russian telescope. Over 300 reindeer struck by lightning in Norway. A new planet conveniently stationed next to Earth. A Chicago rainbow teaching the Trump Tower about tolerance.
Aliens are coming, people. Or maybe they’re already here. In any case, I’m putting together a bucket list of things to do just in case my run on Earth is coming to a close. Now, we don’t necessarily know if the aliens have destructive intentions, and it’s unclear when exactly they’ll make their move. With that in mind, here are my eight bucket list items I can accomplish somewhat in the normal flow of life. I suggest you think about your list as well.
Host a silent concert for dogs
Dogs can detect sounds imperceptible to the human ear. As such, I’d like to host a concert specifically for our furry four-legged friends that incorporates dog whistles and other dog-friendly instruments that only they can hear (It won’t hurt them. I’ve looked into this, buzzkills). Picture a bunch of dogs wagging their tails and barking to DJ Doggy Style’s beat while all their human owners stand there in silence. Pure gold.
Designate a social media manager to post updates after I’m captured/dead
If the aliens capture me, I still want to update my social channels. I mean, who’s going to thank everyone for their thoughtful “Happy Birthday!” wishes on October 3rd if I’m dead or the mothership has shoddy Wi-Fi? I’ll create some random heavenly updates for my designated social media manager to post throughout the year like:
- Just beat Paul Walker in go karts.
- Tupac isn’t up here…
- Have you seen that adorable new otter video? The cutest. #IDie #Nvm #AlreadyDid
- Teddy Roosevelt whispers “speak softly a carry and big stick” when he pulls up next to you at the urinal.
- Secret: Morgan Freeman is the only actor who’s played God that God is going to let into heaven.
- Steve Jobs doesn’t wash his apples.
- #Blessed
- In heaven, Saturdays are still for the boys.
I would also request that the person updating my channels would poke one of my friends three times per year and endorse at least 10 of my LinkedIn connections for new skills. Being engaged with randomly by someone you assume is dead would be cage rattling.
Start smoking
I’ve always been jealous of smokers. They have such great camaraderie. Tough alien times calls for more camaraderie. I’d take all the smoke breaks I could (no sense in killing myself at work when I may be killed by aliens) and have as many interesting conversations and make as many new friends as possible. With alien destruction imminent, I wouldn’t have to worry about the long-term health concerns of smoking. I could also wear a leather jacket in peace.
Have a mini Christmas tree with the hottest baby sneakers on it
I’ve always wanted to have a mini Christmas tree and decorate it with top-of-the-line baby sneakers instead of ornaments. Look how cool this is:
Maybe if it’s a hit on the ‘gram, I’ll donate all the shoes to less fortunate families where Santa can’t fit down the chimney. Do a little good on the way out.
Play I Believe I Can Fly on the Jukebox at as Many Bars as Possible
Playing the best song on Earth at a bar packed with strangers gives me life. I do it twice per month if I’m lucky. Really brings everyone together. People start flapping their wings and doing the gospel choir harmonizing. Others discuss Space Jam. The person getting cock-blocked mentions how R. Kelly’s a pedophile. When you have a 7-beer buzz, it’s one of the most beautiful things life has to offer.
Get a Tattoo
I’d actually get three. One funny, one meaningful and one badass.
I’ve already discussed my Stay Hungry tat I’d get on my stomach.
The second would be the logo of my 8th grade basketball team, the Bandits. It was a basketball with a bandit’s bandana on it. It looks cool and would remind of forlorn life values like teamwork, sacrifice, hard work, respect and leadership.
Finally, I’d get some sort of spear and skull combo on one of my forearms. The first two tats wouldn’t be visible unless my shirt was off, but this one would go right on my forearm. This would let everyone know I don’t fuck around.
This spear and skull tat combined with the smoking would open doors to badass worlds previously closed off to me that I’d be excited about.
Display leadership at all times
No matter what I’m doing now, I’m going to be the leader at it. Need a restaurant for a weekend couple’s dinner? Bavettes. 7 p.m. Done. New work project starting up? Don’t worry boss, I’ll start the timeline. I’ll be keeping my eyes peeled to help old ladies who’ve dropped their groceries and Jennifer Lopez’s with their heel caught in the sewer cap (for the 3 people that got the Wedding Planner joke, thank you).
Just in case the aliens want to save one person to bring the human perspective to their board of directors, I need to be their guy.
Organize a Gathering of People Aliens May Want to Destroy
I’ll make flyers that say there’s a special party for anyone who has a 13.1 bumper sticker on their car and also loves Mountain Dew. Come on down to Soldier Field and can get free entry into your next race and a few gratis liters of pop! Meet some new friends and network! Party goes from 2-5 this Wednesday.
The aliens may not want to hurt all of us. Maybe they just want to take out the worst among us. Anyone who’s free in the middle of the day on a Wednesday loves Mountain Dew and defiles whatever piece of shit car they have by celebrating that they’ve finished half of something qualifies as the worst among us. Good riddance. Darwin would love it. Thank you aliens and you’re welcome universe.