How Is Everyone So Tan Already?


This is a picture of me in the middle of summer last year. Weekend update Colin, you need some sun.

Jesus, I’m red. I look like the offspring result of an Oompa Loompa sneaking into the tanks at Joe’s Seafood and getting some lobster tail.

There’s been 1.5 nice weekends in Chicago so far, yet somehow, as I’ve ran along the lake, walked to work and dragged my dog through the pet store, I’ve seen a lot of extremely tan human beings.

How is this possible?

It’s July in the photo above and I look like a maniac. I immediately want to hate everyone with a good tan. I want to think terrible things like, “You vain, shallow, sad ballsack. You look ridiculous. Go S.P.F. yourself. That skin is going to be so leathery when you’re 60. If you avoid melanoma that long…”

But I don’t. My positivity is the sunshine tanning your face on a cloudy day. However, I am EXTREMELY curious how so many people are perfectly bronzed already. I can’t be the only one. My pale ale day drinking friends who slather Copperstone mayonnaise on their face and have to go to the doctor to get their moles checked every time it’s sunny out have to be perplexed as well.

So I developed a best case scenario for how this could be possible. Here it is:

  • You went on tropical vacation with your family in February to celebrate your dad’s retirement.
  • You then went to Vegas for March Madness for a college friend reunion.
  • You met a hot-co-ed in Vegas who lives in Arizona who you visited for a weekend in April.
  • In May, your new job sent you to L.A. to oversee a video shoot for a new client, and you made some extra time for the pool.
  • In turns out the hot co-ed you met in Vegas has a million flight miles for work, so you fly together to Miami for some Memorial Day fun in the South Beach sun. You’re also now in love.

That gets us to the first nice weekends in Chicago, after your marvelous life has already provided the foundation for your great tan. Here’s the day-by-day breakdown to get us to present tan times.

June 3rd: It’s the first sunny Chicago day! You do brunch and a layout at the SoHo House. Then you hit up Do Division to get the street fest season started strong.

June 4th: Your close Chicago friends are in a great book club, so you bring The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane to the beach to catch up on your required reading. You’d like to not have to lie for once.

June 10th: It turns out the guy you were randomly friendly to in the kitchen at work at your new job has a boat. You go on it and it’s magical. Your first boat friend!

June 11th: You’re hungover and feel a little bad about your nauti boat behavior, so you hit the Old Town Art Fair street fest to get a little culture. It’s sunny though, so you wear a tank top. #NoFarmersTan

I think I just solved the case. I love the power of positivity! And if you look a little more closely, it seems getting a perfect tan is really more about family, friends, love and companionship.

Let that soak in, and I hope the weather’s nice this weekend. 😉


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