I’m just a kid from the gutter, makin’ this butter off these bloodsuckers, cause I’m a muthafuckin’…
Renegade, never been afraid to say
What’s on my mind at any given time of day
Cause I’m a renegade! Never been afraid to talk
About anything, anything, anything, anything, renegade.
Sometimes, you feel like an outlaw. Rappin’ to Eminem on your way to work. Shaking your head back and forth, nose scrunched, two fingers and thumb wagging feverishly up and down like you’re chopping carrots. Daydreaming about confronting any soft suburbanite that doesn’t move out of your way on the sidewalk.
Then you trip. Everything comes back into focus. I stayed on the line and took a survey on how Bank of America could improve their customer service yesterday because I felt bad these customer service associates always get hung up on. It would be cool to be more of a renegade, though. Swag on fleek. Not afraid to tell everybody what the fuck is up.
As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said, a journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Here are a few small things I’ve learned that you can do to slowly become more of a rebel.
Don’t use a lock at the gym
Unless you’re Jacob the Jeweler getting a quick lunchtime glutes blast in, take it easy on the lock there big Tony. Your shit isn’t that valuable. I know your mom bought you a nice new lock for Christmas after you told her you joined a gym, but relax. Taking a look around the locker room, however, this doesn’t seem to be the general consensus. A lot of people use locks, which is a great opportunity for you to go against the grain and get rebellious. Look at the person imputing their basic birthday combination, scoff, and think “do more curls bud. No one’s gonna take my sweatshirt after they see me bench.”
Go over your monthly data allowance
Renegades see a goal and they surpass it. Limits are suggestions for sheep. I’ve went over my 2GB data allowance every month for the past six months, just to tell AT&T they can’t hold me. Sometimes I #RiseandGrind and need to stream the “Today’s Hip Hop and R&B Hits” station on Pandora to hit some lifting personal bests (yes, I still enjoy Pandora, bitch). Other times I’m at a boring networking event and want to chuckle with Fuck Jerry. A new Entourage movie teaser could strike at any moment. I’m not talking to anybody, but I’m dominating dat data. #NeverShyonWiFi
Go latchless in the stall
I stumbled upon this trick of the trade due to the extremely laid back approach of the John Hancock building maintenance crew. The door latch on my go-to work stall was broken. I wasn’t about to let a broken latch (that has now stayed broken for eight months) mess with the two-year relationship I’d built with stall four. Anyone could just walk in on me OMGing to BunnyMama. But they don’t. Because they know better. It’s exhilarating.
Add something quietly rebellious to your desk
You don’t have to say anything. Just set something on it that sends a message. Here are my two:
If you want to get a Kanye tweet stitched, go here.
Carry a briefcase with no shoulder strap
What a man of mystery. Why doesn’t that bag have a strap? What’s in there? Nobody knows. You could be couriering top secret CIA documents, cleverly disguising a drug drop off or transporting viles of a soon-to-be-needed antidote. Or you’re poor, lazy and strolling to Starbucks to write blog posts with too few SEO keywords in the title. You need to try it. Your your friends may giggle, but your delivery will be made on time.
Here this total renegade move was in action (by a man wearing a leather jacket, mom jeans and white new balances) on a recent Southwest flight to Vegas. Vegas?! So many things could be in there!
Stage an anonymous protest
Say an injustice happens you feel makes no sense – like the person you sit by at work gets moved even though together you’re the Batman and Robin of office morale, leveraging sunshine to amplify happiness and create ROI. It would be out of character to march into the seating coordinator’s office with an impassioned speech and algorithm-filled PowerPoint explaining how Q1 profit margins will be impacted by this seat move. How do you rebel? Well, if your workplace has a bunch of free milks in the company kitchen, you could paste a pithy missing message on all of them to subtly spread your unhappiness to everyone looking for some extra vitamin D in their life.
Answer the question you want to answer, even if it’s not the one asked
This one has to be executed with vigorous passion yet finesse. You can’t just be wrong or ignore part of a person’s question. Those are normal #basic annoying-ass occurrences. The answer you provide has to have nothing to do with the original question and be a conviction-filled hot take.
Question: What’s the weather supposed to be like this weekend?
Answer: Whether you’re a Republican or not, you have to agree that fracking is an underutilized word.
Damn, all this outlaw talk is making my nose scrunch again. Bring the beat back.
Introvert always been afraid to say,
What’s on my mind, but now it’s
move bitch, get the fuck, out my way,
Oh shit it’s the remix!!!!
Now I’m a renegade! Never afraid to talk
About anything, Anything? Maxxing data. Anything.