When is it OK to Order a Salad at a Pizza Place?

Salads at Homeslice Chicago

Salads at Homeslice Chicago

You’ve done it at least 20 times. You sit down at Pete’s Pizza three days after a debaucherous weekend has ended and three days before another one begins (aka Tuesday), and think:

I should have a salad. My body needs nutrients. That one with the mandarin oranges sounds pretty good.

Hi sir, are you ready to order?

Yeah, I’ll take……the 16” thin crust meat lovers.


You got me again, Pete.

It’s a borderline serial killer move to order a salad at a pizza place. It should almost never be done, but here are the few instances when it might be ok.

It’s Monday or Tuesday and your wedding is Saturday

Your whole outfit is custom tailored and you freaked out and stress slipped a large cookie dough blizzard on Sunday. There’s going to be a lot of pictures at the wedding. You’re already worried the makeup artist is going to get heavy handed and turn the bridesmaids into prostitute raccoons. And that Chad is going to get too drunk. And that the DJ is going to play Cotton Eye Joe even though it’s on your no play list. You can’t also be worried about ruining the forever memories by having a thicker crust than when you were originally said yes to the dress (or tux) a month ago. You can eat pizza the rest of your lives together. Human love is worth sacrificing cheese and sausage love. For a week.

You’re seeing the friend who comments on everyone’s weight for the first time in a while

Everyone has this friend. I would argue everyone needs this friend. At some point within the first beer of seeing you, he’s going to give you an evaluation. This evaluation sets the tone for the entire night and is really a referendum on the state of your life and overall health. If you’re worried he’s going to say something along the lines of – “That middle shirt button is screaming for help. It’s more stressed than a girl on her period with single digit likes on her last Insta post who just replied all to a company global list serve and is trapped in the elevator with 15 obese humans while having to poop. Might be time to move up to an XL bud.” – you can order a salad.

You’ve recently lost 50 pounds and everyone is happy for you

After you lose a lot of weight, I imagine there’s a grace period where you really can do no wrong. You’re a success story and people forgive you for being less funny than you used to be. If you order a salad, no one will bat an eye. If you order a pizza, everyone at the table will shudder inside and worry you’re going to fall off the wagon. That’s a weird position to put people in.

You’ve recently been on a crazy bender and your sig other/BFF is mad at you

The dog house is a lonely place. If you add your significant other or BFF being mad at you for some questionable behavior to the paranoid depression that already comes with an epic bender, those are dark times. Leafy greens can be the first small step back in the right direction. The bender needs to be legit, though. A singular#SaturdayisfortheBoys won’t cut it. If you’ve recently celebrated a  friend’s 30th birthday followed by a bachelor party in Dewey Beach followed by a wedding in Malibu followed by a bachelor party in NYC followed by work softball playoffs, then  ordering a salad at a pizza place is one clear indication you’re ready to avoid temptations and start making healthier overall decisions. Have to start somewhere.

You’re going to just pick the meat off of your pizza because you’re a carb maniac

You don’t get to enjoy pizza you psychopaths. You’re the worst. Don’t you have some hard boiled eggs in your gym bag you can eat?

If you’re so disciplined you avoid eating the cheese, sauce or crust, you also can avoid being in my presence at a pizza place. At pizza places, people want to talk about sports, their job, the weather, babes or Netflix. Not how you got up at 5 a.m. this morning to swim laps.

AND then you look at me weird because I eat a few of your picked apart slices (if they’re the little squares) when you go to the bathroom because I hate waste? GTFO.

Homeslice Pizza Chicago

Homeslice Pizza Chicago

After typing all these words, I still don’t think I can do it. Salads suck. I’m always going to order a pizza, but maybe I’ll follow the lead of a man, nay hero, I heard a story about once who orders what he wants at restaurants, only eats half, and then pours water on the rest to make sure he stops eating. That’s genius. This is my plan.

Good luck getting 16” out of me ever again Pete.


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