How to Respond When Your Condo Board Threatens to Fine You for Leaving Your Boots in the Hall After a Snowstorm

On Saturday, when normal people are out to brunch or doing Core Power or visiting the Art Museum, I received a notice from our Parc, (more like Narc), Orleans Condo Board asking me to remove my boots from the hallway. On Friday, as a reminder, it snowed 8 inches and Chicago schools were closed. My neighbor received the same note.

The email included an expertly composed image and highlighted screenshot of our tenant handbook in case I was going to debate the presence of my boots in the hall or challenge that the hall was actually a corridor. In their continuing efforts to build community, the Narc Orleans board also kindly addressed the Condo owners we rent from by name but referred to us as tenants – even though we’ve lived there over two years and our names are in our fucking Gmail addresses they had to type in. This was such a condescendingly diabolical move. I’m going to remember to use it on my frenemies.

Here’s the email and picture.

Who does this??!?! Why not just a friendly reminder? What if I had walked out with our dog and saw this aspiring Nat Geo photographer? Oooo, it would be real hard to step over these boots in a fire. We’re at the end of the hall! The only people who would be hurt in a fire would be us! Has this person never watched The Wire? Or listened to a song that discouraged snitching? There was a SNOWSTORM!!!!!

I took a shower to cool off. While gently loofa-ing, I crafted the following response.

My wife, forever the voice of reason, talked me out of sending this. It ate me up inside. I paced around and passionately exclaimed:

You just want this behavior to be OK?! This injustice MUST not stand. We have to have standards in society! I will not be 80-years-old and wishing I had told more people to fuck off!

As I was pleading my case and just about to hit send anyway, I flung my arms in the air and gazed longingly out the window looking for a sign. Anything to help me make sense of it all.

I saw a sign. It must have been up for a while, but my privileged eyes hadn’t really noticed it until now.


I think I’ll let the condo board slide on this one.


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