Wedding DJs: The Ignition Remix Is Not R.Kelly’s Only Good Song

R Kelly and Me

It happens at every DJ’d wedding. Cotton Eye Joe and Shout and all the rest of the old, corny songs everyone assumes the grandmas love are over. Ooooo, Michael Jackson. Edgy. The cocktail you only get at weddings (scotch and soda for me) and the red wine you forgot to calibrate for have hit. It’s time to get this party started.

Now usually I’d don’t do this but uhhh, go ‘head and break ‘em off a ‘lil previews of the remix. Now I’m not tryin’ be rude…

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! Set drink down. Rush to dance floor. Start tapping the air’s ass with your right hand. Start working your flow.

It’s the freakin’ weekend baby, I’ma about to have me some fun!

I roll my eyes every time. No rushing to the dance floor for me. Not because I don’t like this song. I used to beep my horn during the “toot toot, beep beep” part of the chorus when driving around in high school to see if anyone else was also listening to 103.7 KISS FM.

I love R. Kelly’s music. “I Believe I Can Fly.” was my senior quote. When he released inflatable doves at Pitchfork in 2013 as the strings strummed and the “I used to think that I could not go onnnnn” beginning hit I damn near cried it was so beautiful. I know the Ignition Remix is the only one of his hot jams that will be played all night, and that’s a damn shame. And it’s not like wedding DJ’s are spinning hot fire instead.

Love Shack? Pour Some Sugar on Me?! These make me feel trapped in a closet of shit. I hope everyone who plays these songs gets divorced because Kels stole their woman and made love to her with In the Kitchen playing on repeat. Girl I’m ready to…

Here are five other R. Kelly songs that should be played at weddings:

Step in the Name of Love


Cha Cha Slide. Electric Slide. Cupid Shuffle. Get out of my ears. These songs suck. People having the time of their lives to these songs are the same people you work with who send emails about time entry with subject lines of “Free Pizza for Lunch!” only for the email to read, “Now that I have your attention…”. The only group participation song at my wedding will be led by the pied piper of R and B.

Happy People


Just an upbeat, feel good song about happiness and stepping. Everyone’s happy at weddings. Even if you don’t know anybody, or the speeches are way too long, or you’re sweating your berries off, or your +1 is bamboozled off Rose, or you’re still bitter because you didn’t get a +1, it’s all good. Love is in the air. Let Robert be your +1.

I Believe I Can Fly


I’ve never heard this song at a wedding. Seems like pretty low hanging fruit. Everyone has dreams. Everyone remembers that opening scene from Space Jam. Everyone’s considered what being a bird and soaring through cumulus clouds would be like. I try to play this song whenever there’s a juke box in a bar, but it makes sense at weddings to provide a jolt of inspiration. The bride’s dad’s speech is long over, Remix to Ignition has already been played, and people are sweaty and mentally gathering for their second wind. True love makes me want to spread my wings and fly away.

And one or two bros at the wedding are sure to know every word, which is entertaining (especially if there are two and one sings R. Kelly’s parts and the other harmonizes as the gospel choir).

The World’s Greatest


See above for mixing some inspiration flavor into the night.

Feelin’ on Yo Booty


A little aggressive and maybe not for everyone, but if you play this song as the night winds down, everyone who would be offended is too drunk or too old and tired to understand the words. This is also some ear tickle foreplay for the bride and groom to keep them motivated to make sweet, married love tonight. They’re tired. It’s been a long day. They probably could use a snap back into sex focus. I’ve never known a more perfect man for the job than R. Kelly. (He actually should write a song about this. He’s got to almost be out of boinking love topics given he’s sang about sex dolphins before.)

Personally, I’d like to hear Feelin’ on Yo Booty, sneak out to the love suite and get it on, relax for a second, eat some grapes, and then go hang out at the after party with everyone in more comfortable clothes. I have a sneaking suspicion a lot of married couples say, “Ah fuck it. We’d fornicated before. I’m exhausted. Let’s do it in the morning.” (I’d appreciate one of my married friends to confirm or deny this.)

Listen everyone. Grandma doesn’t want to hear YMCA. She’s heard enough Bon Jovi. The bride and groom are together until death do them part. With far less shagging every day from here on out. Grandma knows. Let’s take the Bump and Grind when we can get it.

 

P.S. I know change will come slowly. As Robert himself sang accapella in the Ben Wilson 30 for 30 documentary Benji, “It’s so hard, to say goodbye, to yesterday.” We can do it. I believe we can fly.

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