I was walking home from work late last week. Hangry. Tired. Cold. Defeated. Wondering why no one on Pangea can answer all of the questions I ask in an email.

Then in an instant, all of my angst vanished. Like heaven itself decided to send down a glimmering beacon of hope, I saw something tantalizing under a street lamp in the distance. Nothing else mattered.

IS THAT A NEW FOOD TRUCK, PARKED RIGHT ON MY STREET?! I HOPE IT HAS FUN MEATBALLS. I power-walked to get closer.

Nope. Not a food truck. That’s a FedEx truck.

Jesus, you’re fat. 

In that moment I started melting into a flubbery flashback of experiences that will hopefully help you feel better about giving up your New Year’s resolution already. Here are the thoughts that flooded into my head:

I thought about the time at a golf outing where we went around the room and discussed how every one thought each our bro friends would die. When this fun game got to me, the response was immediate and spit out through a cresendo’d and unstoppable chuckle. Diabetes.

I thought about how when I returned from being out on Christmas vacation to my cozy work cafeteria, the woman at the cash register said she missed me, and added how I, of all people, need to sign up for a rewards card here.

When we got free company fleeces for being a named a top Chicago workplace, the person handing them out paused when she saw me and said, “Ah, I’m sorry. I don’t think we have any extra larges left. Let me go check in the back room.”

My girlfriend had a dream I had breast cancer.

I thought about how this FedEx misunderstanding should make it’s way into a blog post sometime and at least make someone laugh. You know, turn these lemons into lemon meringue pie. No. Too soon. Maybe later.

I thought about how I’d already written an article on how to feel thinner without working out.

And an article on unorthodox workout tips.

And an article on ways to feel thinner without trying.

And this article on how to react if someone steals your lunch at work.

And created a fake restaurant called Girl Lunch.

Annnndddddd created this pizza delivery decision equation on a used Jack’s pepperoni so people can decide when to order delivery vs. frozen pizza.

It’s ok. These thoughts didn’t cripple me. I put on Demi Lovato’s Confident, finished my walk home and defiantly scarfed down some leftover mac and cheese.

I respect everyone still fighting the good fight. The idi…err people giving up booze for Lent and the guys dumping water on their Pesto Penne half-way through dinner to manage portion control.

I get it. #FitFam’s a cool family to be a part of. Just don’t beat yourself up. Beach season is still a few months away.

You could be fatter.

This is me working at Big Red’s Cheesesteaks in college. I got free cheesesteaks.