It’ been many many moons in internet time since Mackenzie Pearson’ s Dad Bod article re-inspired self-conscious bros to Sausage/Pep/Natty treat themselves. Double standards were brought up. Mackenzie was thanked and ridiculed. Mom bod photos were posted.
This guy dug it. Mom bods are sexy. Not in the all people are beautiful kind of way. I do find this 96% true (Crocs wearers, serial killers, etc. excluded), but I’m talking about going deeper than “their boobs get bigger.” Mom bods are sexy in real, practical, nourishing, breast-feeding in public ‘cause a baby’s gotta eat sort of ways.
I’ve seen many articles/Tumblrs/opinion pieces written by women on this this topic. That’s cool, but this dad bod wants to throw his crust into the box too. Here’s why mom bods are the best:
I made a birdhouse once with my dad at Cub Scout camp. The time together. The hard work. The journey. When it was done and I brought it home, I was so proud. I don’t even really like birds.
I can’t imagine making a child. Your child. The magical nights with Boyz II Men playing. The news that a ‘lil swimming Michael Phelps made it to the finish line. The crazy 9-month journey afterward. Birth and bringing your baby home. I made that. Her eyes look like mine. Shit is insane. You don’t really think about it when Jenny brings little Charlie around the office. But it’s flying Wallenda brothers insane.
I live in a neighborhood with lots of young moms, who I usually see pushing strollers into the local Starbucks. They’re in spandex, sunglasses, fast Nikes and colorful, aerodynamic tops.
I’m sticking with them. They’re ready for anything. If an unstable caffeine junkie looking for payback from the #RaceTogether campaign sticks up my Starbucks looking to take espresso machines and prisoners, these moms are ready to move quickly and decisively. The students in jeans and hoodies and old guys playing chess in the corner will be the first hostages taken.
Have you ever sat next to a mom at Soul Cycle? (Dad bod bros: “Uhhh fuck no. Do you even lift?”). You should. You think you’re in decent shape until you sit down next to one of these Lance Momstrongs. I’m reducing my tension 7 minutes in and need every note of “I’m a Survivor” to keep going while Nancy seems like she’s pedaling for world peace. I’ve only seen birth in an 8th grade “miracle of birth” showing (shudders) so I really have no idea, but after pushing something that big out of something that small, I’d feel like Kevin Garnett after winning the NBA Finals:
Or Daenerys with dragons that obeyed. I could conquer the world. It’s sexy to be around conquerors.
When you’re pregnant, I guess you crave a lot of weird foods (ice, chalk, Peeps, etc.) This unique, creative thinking is refreshing. As a person with a lot of weird craving myself (pizza with a bacon crust?), I can really get down with this. Your body wants peanut butter covered pickles?! I want that body.
Always there for me
I’ve noticed moms tend to post slightly more often on social channels than other people. This is great. I get to see your bod more often, and in more caring, meaningful ways than the selfie-obsessed 22-year-olds who just make me feel bad about myself for not having a boat. Let your light shine MILFFs – Mom I’d Like to Facebook Friend (tip of the cap to David Weil on this term).
I’m liking all the photos.
Note: This post isn’t some manipulative move by a single man to seduce all the MILFFs in his life. I have a loving GF who generously allows me to stare at moms and appreciate their deep inner beauty.