Our college intramural team would beat the Warriors.
Yes, injuries may derail the 2019 title run, but there’s no denying they were a dynasty. Our intramural team was too – winning too many intramural champion t-shirts for my janky college drawers to contain in the 2008-2009 years.
However, even given the Warriors historic success, legends of the game thought their teams were better.
Scottie Pippen told the Dan Patrick Show the ’95-’96 Bulls would sweep the Warriors. Isiah Thomas said the Bad Boy Pistons would match up perfectly. Magic Johnson outlined in his special way that the Showtime Lakers would win four games out of seven and that means they’d win the series.
Now I’ve said it too. Look at this picture.
That’s a super team. Great chemistry. No one wants to leave (unlike the Warriors). A few guys stayed 5 years in college for Scott Skiles-sake.
Every week on the University of Wisconsin campus, but especially during intramural tournament time, a symphony at the SERF (Southeast Recreational Facility) was conducted by these basketball musicians. The ball during games (and alcohol afterward) flowed like the 2004 Argentinian national team.
Threes rained like Ray Allen was Mother Nature. Defensive communication flourished more expertly than in the journalism school. Pick and rolls so beautiful John Stockton’s short shorts would get a little crowded.
That’s all very intimidating for any Warriors reading this, but like any good Enterprise Car Rental manger knows, success is more about the people, and the personalities on our team unlock our keys to victory. Similar to what Isiah Thomas said, we’d match up perfectly with the Warriors.
Below, I’ve described how each of our player’s unique skills would influence the game and then Chase Kieler, who is basically Kawhi Leonard mixed with John Wick, gives his advanced scouting report.
There it is. The intramural champions shirt. Better than the Larry O’Brien in my book.
The game format would be one game. Why this would happen can’t exactly be worked out right now, but my guess would be the game results from Jerry “Brock” Martinez meeting Draymond Green at a club in Lake Tahoe this summer. They get to talking about owning land, Snapchat mishaps and how mad the group is going to be about the extra Magnum Grey Goose bottles on the trip expenses Excel sheet. It starts friendly but quickly escalates when Jerry suggests he’s the best one-on-one player in the world and has never lost. This game is scheduled for charity on the spot. One game up to 11 at the SERF. All ones.
Let’s get into the personnel breakdown, Chase’s individual scouting reports and how’d we’d emerge victorious.
1) Jerry “Brock” Martinez
One of the top insurance reps in the country, Jerry here could convince Draymond Green to never get a technical again. He’d befriend him at first and then destroy him. They both have a lot in common, but Martinez may have the upper hand in every area (perhaps even the trunk).
Draymond’s known for celebrating championships in style. Brock has been to every new club in the U.S. and at least one on every continent.
Draymond is getting a lot of credit for losing 25+ pounds with a crash playoff diet, but Jerry hasn’t eaten meat since watching SuperSize Me two years ago and does HIIT workouts Mr. Green’s never even heard of. Fitness advantage goes to Jerry.
Chase’s Scouting Report: Jerry’s unorthodox game drives his opponents bananas, pure and simple. He is the all time leader in fouls drawn in SERF history with 10,879 (just over 20 per game); the fact that you call your own fouls is besides the point. His ability to get inside his opponent’s head only makes matters worse – Draymond Green may have met his match. Jerry could crawl under the skin of just about anybody on the court, forcing uncharacteristic reactions during the course of the game. Tony Robbins came to do a commencement speech at UW back in 2007 and decided to stop by the SERF for a run the next day before his flight out. Tony matched up vs. Jerry and it wasn’t more than 10 points into the game before Tony had to be carried off the court in a straight jacket by a team of police officers after he lost his cool with Jerry and tried to take Jerry’s life, and the lives of others on Jerry’s squad. But it isn’t just the mental game or the unorthodox play that make Jerry a handful on the court, it’s the length. Although Kevin Durant has nearly 1′ on him in height, Jerry’s 8′ wing span allow’s him to make up the difference for a total body length of 14’9″ – his height plus his wingspan account for 14′ of this.
2) Jake “Jakey-Baby” Fowler
I have the ability to have NBA players get lost in my eyes.
I’d use this ability on Kevin Durant. As an employee in the Social Media field for more than 10 years, I’d give KD a few tips on burner accounts and quickly propose a community management response protocol to evaluate the risk of replying to situations online.
Chase’s Scouting Report: If you were watching last month’s Nugget’s-Spurs game 7 you may have heard the great Hubie Brown refer to his all time favorite mid range jump shooting player, Jake Fowler. Credit to Hubie for coining Klay Thompson a “poor man’s Jake Fowler.” Jake’s game was smooth, he picked apart his opponent’s defense with style and grace, always in control, never rattled; In fact, some of the world’s best poetry since 1995 has been written with Jake’s highlight reel being played over and over in the background.
3) Nick Weisnicht “Ace”
I’ve never heard anyone talk more passionately about real estate in general social settings than Nick here, and KD would be ears.
“Hey, Kevin. My appraisal is the moves you’re making off the court in business have been smart. But if you’re considering investing in the Bay area before you leave, I’d suggest large-scale developments that are mixed-use with both residential and office space. This reduces traffic, increases sustainability and helps offset the housing affordability issues created by job growth. Whoa, that co-ed running on the track has curb appeal, eh. I may need to plan for some contingencies. When you leave for NYC, are you going to pay your place off with a balloon payment? What stat do you focus on most? It’s important for me that my PPG are at least 3X higher than my APR.”
Between real estate and social media talk, Durant would be completely taken out of this game mentally.
Chase’s Scouting Report: Nick claims that the Wachutu Tribe and their contributions to the development of his game in mid to late 90’s allowed him to go from a 15, 5, and 7 guy to a 40, 7, and 0 guy. Despite being known as “Equisu Ocha” (White Devil) to the tribe, they helped teach him the art of scoring the basketball. Nick left the Green Bay Area a pass-first point guard and came back a shoot first, second and third, pass fourth – point guard.
“AND LET ME BE CLEAR – You’ve seen Steph Curry do 2-ball dribbling routines in warmups…. well, ole “Ace” used four balls” – Stephen A. Smith.
4) Matt Atkinson “Glen Schwartz”
Complete 5-tool player. Earlier this playoffs, Klay Thompson said ocean swims reset his mind and lead to big games. Well, Glen Swartz here used to go for 5 a.m. morning swims in the campus pool before engineering classes. Advantage Glen.
He also used his patented step-back 3 (something the Warriors struggled with against Houston) to score 55 points in a rec game in Stoughton – one point higher than both Steph and KD’s career highs.
Chase’s Scouting Report: Matt Atkinson makes guys like Kurt Rambis, Billy Joe Cuthbert, and John Stockton look like selfish, spoiled divas. Matt’s attention to detail on the defensive end of the court is what earned him an induction to the Basketball Hall of Fame in 2010. He once won a marathon in the Fox Valley area doing defensive slides for the entire distance (13.1 miles left foot forward, 13.1 miles right foot forward, slap the ground every 10′). Matt is not only undefeated in his intramural days on the court, but his competitive advantage has allowed him to also remain undefeated in sand volleyball, regular volleyball, football, baseball, hopscotch, beer pong, skiing, sledding, ping pong, pool, swimming, long jumping, 4×4 men’s 10 meter, croquet, golf (3-time Jerry Open Winner), archery, and bocce. Matt would singlehandedly dismantle Steve Kerr’s offensive schemes; Kerr would be left with no choice but to resign.
5) Chase Kieler
Goes to Halloween as the Kobe Stopper. Stops by Rucker Park on his Bachelor party.
Can play Dr. Dre on the piano. True Renaissance man.
Chase’s Scouting Report (written about himself): Chase Kieler vs. Andrew Bogut: Height Advantage: Bogut. Weight Advantage: Bogut. Strength advantage: Bogut. Quickness Advantage: Bogut. Basketball IQ Advantage: Bogut. One spot area that the Warrior hold the advantage, but most sports writers don’t think it would be enough. “Chase was a much better player than Lebron James, and that’s really not saying much at all.” – Skip Bayless.
6) The rest of the crew – Chase’s scouting report:
If that’s not enough to demonstrate the UW Intramural teams clear edge, consider the rest of the UW Intramural team’s squad:
Nate Kumapayi:
60″ vertical, 50 ppg, 20 rpg, 10 bpg. Need I say more? Nate was asked to star in Space Jam 2 with Lebron this summer so they can save money on special effects.
Devin Barry:
Essentially if the “Splash Brothers” were just one “Supersoaker Brother.” Devin has the range of Steph plus 5 feet with the ability to get 37 points in a quarter that clay has. Enough said here.
Steve Johnson:
Steve provides that Tough Mudder toughness
Chips in a couple points and boards every now and again in garbage time I guess.
So that’s a lot of reasons we’d be successful, but here are a few more from me:
- Chase dismissed Steve, but “Big” Johnson is a master of outlet passes. Another master of outlet passes? Kevin Love – who was on the last team to beat the Warriors in the Finals.
- We have way more college experience by a wide margin.
- Earlier this year, Klay partially blamed the crowd at Oracle Arena for a loss against the Suns, and said the team needed their energy. Well, there won’t be much of a crowd at the SERF, so the Warriors may be similarly sluggish.
- If a streaker interrupted the game, we’d be able to handle the distraction.
But don’t just take our word for it. Beyond being a world class scout, Chase also sourced some quotes from a wide range of acquaintances he’s met through his travels.
“You know Ernie, that would be one helluva ball game. Steve Johnson is a big boy inside.” – Charles Barkley
“If I say the Warriors would win will you give me money for the wall?” – Donald Trump
“Jerry is hot, I love watching him pump fake a few times and then go up and under for two.” – Rosie O’Donnell
So we’ve heard our team’s opinion and a few thoughts from experts, but what about someone who played against us at the SERF?
“What. They’re saying they could beat the Warriors. No way. They can’t even handle a full court press. Obviously absurd, but that totally sounds like something they’d say.” – CJ Capizzi
And now we have our bulletin board material. Thank you CJ. That’s the last piece to our victory puzzle.
Sorry Warriors, but as the TNT boys say, you’re GONE FISHIN’.
If you need a guide, our team would be happy to help.
