NBA Players and their Taco Bell Comps

Yesterday, I experienced an exciting right of passage for older, predominantly white, men I want to share.

A portion of an email I sent to my favorite NBA podcast (Open Floor: Sports Illustrated’s NBA Show) was read on the show, where I compared various NBA players to popular menu items at Taco Bell. I feel like messaging a podcast is the natural evolution of calling into sports talk radio, so I hope my dad is proud. (I think I’m the first in my family to graduate…to this level of fandom.)

The conversation starts at 1:05:10 in the audio player below (almost the very end).

Not that I’m above comparing NBA players to Taco Bell menu items out of the blue (I’ve written that Peyton Manning is a Chicken Parm sandwich and analyzed which NBA mascots get the most attention from furries in the past,), but some brief background:

One of the two guys on the show (Ben Golliver) loves national parks and recently went on a 20-minute tangent about which parks remind him of certain NBA players. This led to people emailing the show with additional NBA/national parks comparisons and more in-depth discussions in later pods. I thought the host, Andrew Sharp (a lover of Taco Bell) was being left out so I sent the list of comparisons below.

It was fun and I guess also answers the common question: “How’s married life treating you? Everything’s pretty much the same when you get married right?”

Well actually no, Terry. I email podcasts now.

NBA Player/Taco Bell Comparisons

LeBron James: Cheesy Gordita Crunch – Total package and could be ordered (win the MVP) every time. Does many things well and was natural evolution of past greatness. Makes rest of order better and pair any other items with it. Sometimes gets placed on the back burner for newer story lines like the quesorito.

Kawhai Leonard: Soft Taco – Soft spoken but carries a big stick. Extremely fundamentally sound and a favorite among real junkies. Might quietly be the best item on the menu.

John Wall: Crunchwrap Supreme – Definitely an All-Star. Close to breaking through (his tortilla ceiling) to MVP candidate. Probably my fastest eat on the menu (since you can easily hold in one hand.)

JaVale McGee: Cinnamon Twists – Harmless, light and fun.

Dion Waiters: Mexican Pizza – Polarizing. The people that love, love passionately and are irrationally vocal about it.

Russell Westbrook: Quesorito – MVP candidate in my book, but I recognize its flaws. Amazing combination of size and skill. A little aggressive. Completely fills the calorie stat sheet, but some argue they could be empty calories. Doesn’t necessarily make rest of your order better. Is it better to do one thing perfectly or multiple things pretty good?

J.R. Smith: New Naked Egg Taco – Doesn’t wear a shirt/have a shell. Probably better ordered drunk/hungover.

Ben Simmons: Crispy Chicken Quesadilla- New on the scene. Initially looks insanely delicious. Could be missing key components (jump shot = normal taco meat ingredient) and a little unsure about where to put on the menu.
Boogie Cousins: Fiery Doritos Locos Taco – Can’t deny the talent and raw ingredients are there. Sometimes leaves a mess. Will be great if ever paired with the right meal. Good with other Doritos (Kentucky) guys like the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos taco.Dwight Howard: Grilled Stuft Burrito – Doesn’t quite belong in the modern diet/modern NBA. Probably had great sales numbers but shouldn’t be a hall-of-fame menu item, yet some still hold in high regard.

Giannis: Locos Fiesta 9-Layer Tacoooooohhhhhhhhh! Supreme – Something we’ve never seen before.

If you made it this far I truly salute you, love your love for the NBA and would say you should subscribe to Open Floor pod.

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